Heaven's smile
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: [Note: shoujo ai] Sai reflects on Kaede's death as she stands before her grave marker.


[Note: This is a shoujo-ai fic. (My second one. ^_^)  
Disclaimer: Angelic Layer belongs to Clamp.]  
I could never understand her.   
  
As many years as I had spent by her side, which still could be counted on my fingers, I don't think I had ever truly understood anything about her.  
  
Especially her smile.  
That elusive smile.  
  
The smile that drove me mad with jealousy, envy, and all the care that I couldn't find myself giving to another human being ever again.  
  
For how can one ever find their lost soul ever again?  
[Heaven's smile  
By miyamoto yui]  
Everyday, she would pass by me and I continued to ignore her to the point that I would look away if I felt especially annoyed.   
But I wasn't annoyed with her at all. I was angry at myself for thinking too much about my own sister because I was endlessly worrying about what I could do to save her…  
  
And, about _her_.  
Then, one day, she broke the pattern of our routine. She sat beside me and actually talked to me without any concern for herself.   
Most people always gave me this certain frightened look because of my standoffish ways, but she came to me just as smoothly as I had learned to observe the contenders within the bounds of Angelic Layer. She wasn't afraid of me.  
For myself, I had made my own boundaries and felt that this girl would be no different if I talked to her. Just one of those that admired me and left it at that.  
I think that was why I respected her when we started to exchange glances without even knowing each other at all.  
  
At one of the Angelic Layer tournaments, she brought me back from my pedestal. Not because I worshipped, but tried to pretend that I was better than anyone else because if I lost, my sister would never forgive me. I was playing for two people, mine and my sisters.  
  
In the end, Kaede's hand touched my shoulder as she softly whispered to my ear, "Stop it, Sai. Stop hurting yourself to the point that you'll become numb to everything."  
  
The iron heart of Shirohime projected only my own insecurities.  
And because of Kaede, this heart was melting. Crumbling away into something that I forgotten for such a long, long time.  
  
Until I lost the tournament not as Shirohime's deus, but as Sai myself…  
It wasn't until then did I accept my weaknesses and cried on her shoulder.  
  
Angelic Layer was more than timing, strength, or confidence, but the strong heart that wanted to survive. Deep inside, I didn't know if I wanted to.  
You were wrong, Kaede.  
I hated your smile because you looked so confident.  
  
I wanted to be like you because you always knew what you wanted.  
  
And it was funny. You wanted to not cry silently anymore, so you wanted to be more like me.  
We were invisibly clinging onto one another.  
  
Making the other weak…  
Making the other strong…  
Making each other whole.  
  
At that moment, I patted your shoulder, but what I really wanted to do was kiss you. To make you taste the tears that I had cried.  
  
To make you truly understand how long it took for me to cry…  
…always wishing I could…  
  
then, having met you, and they all came out so naturally.  
In the process, I found myself wanting to taste your tears, for they were so much more bitter than mine could ever have been…  
  
"Kaede?" I said as I cleared my throat. "I have something to talk about with you."  
"Yes?" She pushed her hair behind her ears and folded her hands as we walked home from school.  
How was I supposed to say I love you so casually?  
"I-"  
She started to cry as her hands shook.   
"What's wrong, Kaede?" I grabbed her arms as I tried to find her eyes.  
"I found out that I have a little brother…"  
I just looked at her trying to comfort her while trying to understand what the hell was going on behind those eyes that were always so calm. But they were like the waters of the ocean, waiting until the storm that would eventually come to make it violent as it when it was first created in the beginning of time.  
Later, when she asked me what I had to say, I shrugged it off with a, "Oh, it can wait another time."  
  
At that time, things were getting a little bit hectic with preparations for college, but also, we became busy. One thing or another came up, but we saw each other at least once a week.  
  
--  
  
Before the last tournament that we would ever participate in, we practiced separately at our respective 'gyms'. Later in the afternoon, we met in front of the Piffle Princess store to buy something for her little brother named Minoru.  
  
"Come over to home," you had said and I answered with a twitching eyebrow.  
But the smile, the mixed feelings I could never read, came to your face.  
  
That enigmatic smile encompassing sadness and happiness in one.  
Paradoxes, yet so true. You were always sincere like that.  
I finally said I would and when I walked through the threshold, I found a very clean apartment. Not being one for words, I said, "Very clean" as more of a statement of what I was thinking than a compliment.  
She just laughed as she nodded. "I don't like disorderly things. Besides, if I can't take care of my home, how am I supposed to take good care of Blanche?"  
  
I nodded while shaking my head while taking off my shoes. "Of course, Kaede."  
  
She then showed me to her room and I put my bag to one side. As she made dinner, I took a shower. I looked at her bathroom and then I found myself looking at the mirror. Patting my face, I had wondered why she could mix me up this way.  
  
I always felt bittersweet with Kaede.  
Happy, yet so very sad.  
  
When I came to the dining room, I sat down and she said, "I'm sorry you won't be able to see Dad, but he's been out."  
She stopped moving for a moment. It became instantly silent and then she said, "What would you like to drink?"  
She was already getting the drinks without hearing me. Kaede then wiped a tear away while trying to smile at me as she turned around.  
  
It was only at that time did I understand why she could handle herself so well…  
And how I wished that I could have been more like that.  
  
How to be more honest with my feelings.  
  
We then ate dinner and laughed about talking about our dolls again. If there was anything we always defaulted to talking about: Shirahime and Blanche.  
  
There were many things, but what I remembered the most was when she leaned her head on her palm and asked, "What part of Shirahime is your dream?"  
"That I will someday be able to become warm, yet cold at the same time. Strange, isn't it?" I answered as I sipped some tea. "What part of your dream is within Blanche?"  
"I want to break her someday," she seriously told me.  
"Why?" I blinked my eyes. Of all the things she treasured, Blanche was the most significant to her.  
"Therefore I may be rid of this doll-like smile."   
  
At that, I became silent as she immediately patted my head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to trouble you."  
Then, we fixed the kitchen and went to her room to get ready for bed.   
  
As I was reading through a book, Kaede took a shower and came into the room.  
She took out an angel from the Piffle Princess bag and began to wrap it for her little brother. "Do you think Mino-kun would like this?"  
I glanced at her and looked at the two outfits before her.  
  
"Hey, where did you get these?"  
She laughed as she answered, "Oh, I made them for him."  
"You're such a good sister."  
"I hope I am."  
  
I smiled as she happily held out a blue dress with a French maid design. "If he wants a girl, he can dress her in this."  
Then, she brought out the other outfit. It was a red leather jacket with gloves and black pants. "If he wants a boy, he can use this."   
  
I nodded my head as she put them into a little box and wrapped it with a red ribbon.  
  
As I set up the futon on the floor, we said good night to one another.  
  
But when she turned off the lights, I squirmed until I couldn't even fall asleep properly. I then sat to one side of Kaede's bed and patted her head. "I can't go to sleep."  
She blinked her eyes. "That's all right. I always have that problem."  
"You do?"  
"Yeah, always."  
"What do you do?"  
"Think about things I have to do."  
"Doesn't that keep you up more?"  
"Of course, but they'll spin so much in my head that I'll eventually kill it. It will make me sleepy sometime."  
  
She then pulled my head and I rested on her shoulder. I wasn't even looking at her and she began to run her fingers through my hair.  
The tingling feeling was sleep-inducing…  
  
But all I could think was that she was so warm…  
I then got up and bent down to kiss her on the forehead.  
  
She blinked her eyes at me. "Sai?"  
  
In shame, I looked away and found myself very embarrassed. "S-sorry."  
  
"What's bothering you?" She then took her hand from under the covers and patted my hand. "Look at me. Why are you looking away?"  
  
"Because of my stupidity." I felt my face become hot with embarrassment. "Again."  
  
I was scared…  
That she would hate me…  
  
That would be more than I could bear…  
Could I risk our friendship for this? Just for one chance of intimacy…  
How selfish.  
  
She squeezed my hand. "It's all right."  
  
I looked back at her almost wanting her to just understand what I was really thinking. "No, it isn't."  
  
"Whatever it is, I'm sure it is fine," she answered innocently.  
  
And here I was agonizing while pulling my hand away from her. "No, it's not all right."  
  
As I was getting up, she grabbed my arm. "No, I can't let you go until you tell me, Sai. Why do you always think that you have to carry everything by yourself?"  
  
I couldn't answer her and I sat back down on the bed. Unable to avoid the inevitable, I looked away. "What would you do if I ever asked you if I could kiss you?"  
  
She blinked her eyes and hesitantly asked, "Kiss…me?"  
  
"I know it sounds very corny, so that's why I said we should just drop the whole subject." I tried to pull away again.  
  
Her grip on my arm was a little harder. "What would happen if I answered yes?"  
  
"That's for you to decide."  
  
"Would you leave me, Sai, if I answered not to your liking?"  
  
I looked back at her and tilted my head in confusion. How had it come to this?  
"Would you hate me if I wanted to more than kiss you?"  
  
We looked at one another for a long while.  
  
"I don't think staying here was such a good idea."  
  
"Try, Sai," she softly said.  
  
It was at that moment, that I slowly buried my face on her shoulder and smelled her jasmine-scented hair.   
But then, I pushed it aside as I began to kiss her neck while closing my eyes.   
  
I kissed her on the mouth as I tried to fumble at undoing her shirt.  
At this, she grabbed my shoulders and began to lift her head to kiss me back with as much emotion as I had never imagined.  
  
I…  
But this was wrong…  
It was then that pulled away from her and looked down into her eyes. Touching her cheek, I laughed, "I'm not the right one to do this with you."  
  
My open shirt touched her stomach as she really looked at me. "Why is that, Sai?"  
  
I looked at her and thought about what she had told me. "Because you should get married to a man that loves you so that you can have children and be the mother you've always wanted to be."  
  
With tears in my eyes, I got up and re-buttoned my shirt. It was then that she grabbed my hand. "Sai…why…why do you always think about things by yourself?"  
  
I squeezed her hand and pushed her gently away. As I took my bag and placed it on my shoulder, I said, "Because you'll end up unhappy with me."  
  
At that, I turned around as she said, "That was always your flaw. You never knew that person you wanted to protect wanted you to be happy too."  
  
"That's all I wanted, Sai," she said as I left her alone in the darkness.  
  
--  
The next day, at the Angelic Layer hallways, we came from opposite sides and said hi to one another as if nothing ever happened. Misaki and Oujirou, who were taking the year off, cheered us on from the audience.  
As everyone was getting ready, Minoru-kun had come as he had said he would. He immediately hugged Kaede and I stood next to her as I patted his head.  
"I got this for you." She started to laugh as she wiped some tears away. "So you can't say Nee-chan never got you anything."  
A chibi Minoru shook his head. "Never, Nee-chan! Thank you!"  
Kaede tilted her head as she tilted her head my way. "Thank her. She was the one who suggested this gift."  
"Sai Nee-chan!" He smiled as he hugged me.  
  
The days when he smiled so much too…  
When he left, he shouted, "I'll be watching!!!"  
  
We waved our hands and then we looked at one another. As always, we shook hands.  
  
"Let's do our best," she said as she gave me that smile of hers. The one that they termed 'Heaven's smile'.  
  
In one moment…  
I should have held her longer…  
  
I felt that there was something wrong with this whole situation.  
  
"Kaede…are you not telling me something?" I blurted out.  
  
She just blinked at me.  
Heaven's smile was sorrowful for a split second as she turned away from me.  
I regretted that I didn't tell her how much I loved her…  
We entered our stations.  
  
The lights focused on her as she nodded her head while the announcer said, "In the West corner, Angel Blanche! Deus, Kaede Saitou!"  
  
The light came to my side as the announcer shouted, "In the East corner, Angel Shirahime! Deus, Sai Jounouichi!"  
We threw our angel's into the layer as we called our 'fall in' sequence quotes. We first looked at one another, then we began the fight.  
  
We knew each other more than the other would like to admit.  
  
Knowing that I wouldn't move until provoked, Blanche came skipping towards me as Shirahime held out her arm…  
  
And the battle began from there.  
Everything is a blur now and I wished it never happened…  
  
For when Blanche was about to use her last strength…  
That's when it happened.  
Suddenly, the life gauge went to zero and all the shouting became silent. It was as if the mute button was pushed and I could hear nothing else.   
  
I immediately took off my visor as I saw Kaede's lips say to me, "You never had to tell me, Sai."  
  
At that moment, Kaede's head leaned to one side and the whole competition was stopped as the chair was brought down to a referee. The referee shakily took the visor off and touched Kaede as I watched her while being sent down. The screen was showing the referee shaking his head.  
  
I found myself running to Kaede and shaking her shoulders. "Kaede! Oi, Kaede!"  
  
"Onee-chan!" I heard Minoru-kun shout. "ONEE-CHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
As I held onto Kaede, I looked back at her brother with as much heartache as he was looking back at me. "Minoru-kun…"  
  
She never told me she was physically ill…  
Ironically, it was _there_…  
  
At the funeral, her father asked me to say some words. I refused to, because there was nothing for me to say. Nothing would be sufficient.  
  
When everyone left, Oujirou led Misaki away as well as all the persons we had met through Angelic Layer, classmates, and relatives.   
  
The only people who were left looking at the mound of dirt were Minoru and I.  
  
I only said one thing: "I hated your sister's smile."   
  
It was then that I found those tears flowing again.   
Until now, they won't stop.  
Minoru held onto my hand as he looked up to me. "That was the best part of her, right Sai Ne-san?"  
  
I nodded paradoxically. "You never knew what she was thinking…"  
  
I hugged Minoru and said goodbye as he walked to his car.  
It began to rain as I was walking home…  
Now, I stared at the grave before me with the incense floating to the sky. I shook my head and sighed while getting up. "Your flaw was that you never let anyone know how much you suffered while trying to protect them with your smile."  
  
"Heaven's smile." I nodded to myself. "That was the right title for it."  
  
It stood there looking at your grave.  
I was honored to be loved by someone as strong as you…  
  
But you had always told me,  
You told me I was strong.  
Half in my heart, in your heart, you were right.  
I told you that I was very weak because you were the truly strong one.  
Half in your soul, in my heart, I was right.  
  
So, I shouldn't be ashamed to show you how much I really feel about you. Without discretion, I held onto her grave marker and kissed it.   
  
Then, I left.  
  
Owari.  
--  
Author's note: I do not know why I made this, but I really liked Kaede (well, yeah, if I'm always mentioning her in 'forever yours'), but I loved Sai a lot too. She reminded me of Haruka Tenoh.  
I don't know how Kaede died…but this is how I imagined it to be??  
(I'm sorry about ff.net's weird formatting. ^^;;) 


End file.
